Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
