if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
