non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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