seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
