I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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