You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
