I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
