kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
