My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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