just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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