who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Come share oat with me in your robe
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
