you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Actions speak louder than pants.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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