I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
