The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize