The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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