I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
