I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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