I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
