I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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