My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
