You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
