i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
