Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
