she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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