I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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