I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
