You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
