Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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