Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
