If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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