your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I need moral support for this bender
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
