I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
two words...techno handjob
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
