I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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