My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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