No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I need a burrito and a hug.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
