remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You left your phone here
Wait...
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