I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
