God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Randomize
