I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
