I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
