i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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