I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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