How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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