I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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