I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
