Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You are the jesus of drinking
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
