Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
