There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
