You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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