Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
