Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
