Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
