Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
