You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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