i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
