Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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