The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
